As I exited the booth and re-joined the real world, I wondered, much like Red from ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ did, if I could make it on the outside? After being enclosed for so long (nearly three hours) I could barely adjust the sheer size of the metropolitan metropolis that was Leatherhead. Thankfully, I got over it, scored my name into a wooden beam (the owner of the nearest house with wooden beams that I could find is not going to be happy) and carried on with my new life.
As I was getting slightly squiffy with my lovely lady later on that day, I mentioned a few things that happened at the food tasting. Gauri said I should post them. As a sensible male, I tend do as she says (or at least make it look like I am) most of the time. It makes life much simpler. Besides, she is right most of the time.
Interlude – (Old joke).
Q: What’s the only two words a man needs to know to have a long, happy and peaceful marriage?
A: Yes dear.
The first thing I learnt yesterday was that in post-war Britain, people used to use old porridge by cutting it into slices and frying it in bacon fat. They were hard times, so no judgement here. I would like to point out that is further proof that bacon can make anything better. It is the same as cheese. I was sceptical the first time I tried cheese on apple pie when in Canada, but damn me, it was so tasty. This is why bacon and cheese form an un-stoppable and unbeatable partnership when put together.
Me being me, I wanted to ask a porridge related question. For those who do not know what porridge is, it is oats cooked in milk. Most people add sugar to it. The Scottish, who have the fearsome statistic of 25 cardiac arrest calls to the Scottish Ambulance service every single day, decided to add salt instead. I guess the Scots really want that worst heart health in Europe award to stay theirs.
So, back to the question. In my defence, I did preface it with ‘I know I am probably going to be the only who says yes to this but…’ and then I asked a room of fourteen other people ‘Did you ever wait for the porridge to set and then pour the milk on so it formed a little milk moat around the porridge?’ It should come as no surprise to anyone that in the empty silence that followed I said ‘So, just me then.’
I also saved the world from a truly dreadful brand of ketchup making its way to your shelves in the form I tasted it in. There is no way the makers of that sauce can put it out like that that after the mauling it received in the comments group. I (rather poetically, I think) described it as a ketchup island in a sea of vinegar.
Something else to mention about the ketchup tasting part. The lady running the session said ‘Sorry about the next one, but it is lots of ketchup.’ Being the lover of ketchup that I am I resolved to use all my tasting skills to the max and taste the living hell out of the ketchup in order to give it the respect that it fully deserved.
I sat down in my booth, took a good spoonful of ketchup and swilled it around my mouth like a fine wine connoisseur. It was as I swallowed it that I heard one of the kind ladies in the kitchen ask one of my fellow booth buddies ‘Would you like some chips to go with your ketchup?’ I sat and stared at my plastic spoon, which had the last traces of ketchup on it from my tasting and thought that I had, perhaps, been a little to eager to get started and that I should wait for the chips to arrive before continuing.
There was also Green Tea with lemon. The tea was yellow, not green. It looked like cloudy wee. It tasted worse.
It occurred to me that I was actually saving the world from bad products, which if my reasoning is correct (and I am pretty sure it is) that makes me a modern day super-hero. My medal can be sent to me in anyway the leaders of the world prefer. To the rest of the world, I will humbly say ‘You are welcome.’
Take care buddies,