As you know by now, I tend to ramble and go off topic a lot. Today will be worse. I need to write this as it has been swimming around my head for a while and I have not been able to crystallize it so far. I still can’t. I am hoping that by the end of this post, I will have worked it out.
I need to say something first. This is not about being against anti-depressants. They can help. They helped me. There is a flip side to this however. I tried four different anti-depressants before I found one that worked for me. Sadly, the previous four made my life so much worse; either through side-effects or the wrong mix of chemicals for my genetic make up. It can be a lottery of getting the right tablets for each individual.
In fairness, it is because we are all so unique and we still need to learn a lot about how depression works and how we can work to fight depression that it has been hard to find a ‘one tablet fits all’ anti-depressant. So, now we see a wider range available to help people whose previous medications did not work for them. It is not ideal, but it is better than nothing in my opinion.
About two weeks after I stopped my medication, I began to notice something. I began to notice the actual world around me. Things that were now annoying me or making me angry that did not when I was medicated. I noticed things that made me happy and grateful for my situation. I simply noticed what was actually around me seen through an unclouded lense.
This was a double edged sword. I was happier because my senses were not dulled, but then I had to deal with an overload of emotions. This invariably led me to crying at Britain’s Got Talent or the X-Factor. Sad I know, but, I guess it was two years worth of emotions that had been damned up by tablets and were now free to flood the whole area.
The other side was that I was getting angry very quickly about things that I should not have let bother me. The real kicker here, was this thought process.
1:This has made me angry.
2:I would not have been angry at this on the anti-depressants.
3: Damn it, now I am doubly angry because I am worried that I cannot cope without the tablets and all of my old anger issues have returned.
My stupid brain.
During all this, a little quiet voice in my head was trying to say something, but I could not make it out over all the cacophony going on. Luckily, it was a patient little thought and it waited until all the hullabaloo had died down and mentioned something in passing.
it asked if this was not all a good thing? ‘Ok,’ it said. ‘So, you are feeling overly happy or overly angry, and this is the key part, you are feeling those things. You own them. Whether they are good, bad or indifferent. They are all yours and now you can choose how you want to deal with them.’ I hate when I prove myself wrong, but I had to acknowledge its point.
Which leads us to double edged sword number two.
Wait. What? Suddenly now I am in control? I am not sure this is such a good idea guys. I did not do a great job last time…
And so the concerns went round and around. So I decided to try and find a way to stop the carousel and get off unscathed. You know when you have already made a decision and in your heart of hearts, you know it is the right decision, but that it is going to suck really hard to go through with it? Yup, that was me.
I have just this second realised that I am still prevaricating and not fully committing to what I have on some level decided to do. (Shakes fist at his own sub-conscious) I think the only way forward for me is to rip off that band aid, and fully acknowledge to myself that, yes, I will get angry. Yes, I will get sad, or overly happy and excited. I will do all these things because these are normal human emotions and it has been so long since I felt like a normal human being that I had forgotten it is ok to feel things.
It is ok to get angry if a situation makes you angry. Get angry at social injustice. Or the situation in Gaza. Get mad as hell. But use it. Control it. Be the master of it, rather than the other way around.
It is ok to cry at X-factor if a singer’s voice has a quality and beauty to it that touches your soul. Just don’t blog about it so every knows you do. Yes, I have fallen on this bullet for you, my beloved readers. I wanted you to know it was ok and protect you from having to say it outloud.
To get back to the post headline, I have realised that I am older (certainly) and wiser (erm) and in a situation where I can actually control how I choose to react to things or not. When to get angry and when to stop the anger before it gets out of control. When to be fully thankful for all the good in my life that I was not noticing before for whatever reasons. I can redefine David as who I want him to be.
People change their image all the time. David Bowie was renowned for his alter-egos. Same for Madonna and Lady Gaga. Sadly Bieber has stuck with his image of a really annoying brat. Even the earth got one after the great flood, and to paraphrase a line from Bioshock Infinite ‘even God is entitled to a do-over.’
So why not anyone else? Why not me? Or you? Change those parts of you that do not work for you or help you in life. Enhance those sides that do. Make it as easy for yourself as you can. Be the person you want to be. And no, I do not know if those words were aimed at you or myself. I hope they can help both.
Now, obviously this thought is scary as hell. It reminds me of Tweak in South Park (Argh – too much pressure). But, I am a grown up now, so I need to take responsibility for my own actions and responses to situations. I am in a situation where I think I can do this. Or, I really, really, really hope I can. I might as well give it a go. And, if things work out, I can say to myself, ‘Hey buddy, you did that all without those tablets, so this one is down to you.’
The chilling thing is that same sentence can be said to myself if everything goes wrong.
Oh well, only time will tell.
Take care buddies,