After last weeks rather devastating therapy session, I appear to have come full circle and I had the most positive session I have had so far. Last week was all about how I didn’t feel good enough for anything and I was driving myself crazy to prove myself and others wrong about who and what I am. This week was the (bi)polar opposite. Hey, I can make depression gags. I have earnt it.
Today I realised that I have come to a place of balance in my life; not just in terms of what I am doing, but also how I see myself. I have come to the conclusion that although things have not happened as fast as I would have liked, things are happening. I think of it as seeds that I have planted. The shoots may not be showing yet, but I know they are underground and working away.
Most of my therapy to date has been to do with getting me to say and feel that ‘I am ok.’ It has taken nine months for me to get to that stage. I spoke about how I am seeing that I do not have to prove myself to others that I am ok, and that people are free to think whatever they like about me, but that I have the right to say ‘Ok, you are entitled to your opinion and I am choosing to think a different way.’
Knowing that I have always been the harshest judge of myself, acknowledging that I am happy to say that ‘I am ok.’ is a massive step for me. I mean it too. I am doing well. I am laying foundations and carrying on writing. I am planning for the future and the children I will have and the house we will move into. The odd thing is that it no longer feels overwhelming. I used to think ‘I will never earn enough money to give my kids the life I want to give them.’ I still might not, but it is no longer a crippling fear that prevents me from doing anything. Now, I am moving forward at my own pace and I believe it will turn out right.
We also spoke about the inner child and the critical adult. I have been worried that I do not take things seriously enough. I tend to make jokes to deal with heavy situations and I was not sure how to reconcile this until today. My therapist said ‘You are hearing your critical adult speak and silencing them.’ I replied ‘No, I am listening to them but I am not feeling like a child in trouble when it speaks and I am able to say, ok, I have heard you. I am choosing to think my own thoughts on this.’
I think I am now respectful of my plans and dreams. I am not taking them too seriously, because I don’t want people to think I have a stick up my bum. I am not taking them too lightly either, as they deserve better than that. I guess it is about valuing myself and what I am doing.
Towards the end of the session my therapist looked at me and said ‘Finally, he gets it.’ The look on her face was one of a proud parent. It was a pretty funny moment. I said to her ‘I bet after I have gone you are going to say ‘Oh my boy, he has finally grown up and I am so proud.’
In all honesty, I was proud that I had made my therapist feel proud of me. I am sure there is a lot that could be discussed about me wanting to make my therapist proud of me, but, let’s save that for another day shall we? I am in a good mood.
One final thought for anyone in therapy. I asked my therapist if she realised how thankful I was to her for helping me come to these realizations. In a typically therapisty way, she reflected back to me that it was I who had done all the hard work. I was not going to let her off the hook that easily and told her that while that was true, I could not have done it without her help. So, if you are having a good time in therapy, and yes, it can happen, please say thanks to the therapist. I know they have to be all reserved and professional, but they are humans too. Everyone needs so positive feedback sometimes. And I think therapists do not get it as often as they deserve.
Take care buddies,