Rage returned to me last night. As I sit here and write this, I am still not sure what exactly I was angry about. I know what I was angry about last night, and I also know they were not the things I am actually angry at. Yes depression, I know you well enough by now to see when you are being sneaky. In the past, I used to let loose at the first thing or person that came along. I hated doing that. Even when I knew that I shouldn’t say the thing I was about to say, I simply could not stop it. Now, I just walk away and say nothing. I am wondering if that is part of the problem.
However, I am getting ahead of myself. I woke up yesterday in a real funk of a mood. It was not good or bad, just meh. I knew something was up, but as I didn’t know what it was, I cleaned the flat and hoped something would shake loose. Nothing came of it, so I just carried on with my day. In the evening, when I was playing Batman Origins, I could the pressure begin to rise. Every little thing was bugging me and the more I told myself to calm down, the angrier I became.
In the end, it was the boss fight with Copperhead that tore it for me. My poor keyboard bore the full brunt of my anger and I amazed it is working at all today considering how many times I hit it. Incidentally, I couldn’t find all the keys when they went flying, so I am typing this on a keyboard that is no longer set out in the standard way. There are odd symbols where old fashioned letters should be.
Then I descended into shouting about inconsequentialities that were not really a problem, but a splinter like sliver of anger had forced its way into my brain and was not bothered about accuracy or who it vented itself of. So, I sent myself to bed before I said anything mean to anyone I care about. It is a shitty feeling to know that at my age, I can’t allow myself to be around people at times. The way I see it, and this is only my opinion, I don’t have the right to ask for forgiveness for bad actions just because I am depressed.
I did five hours of gardening this morning, which was great as it gave me time to clear my head and think through what was bothering me. I am still not sure, but a few things came to me. I wondered about the last time I allowed myself to get angry at something I felt angry at at the time, but walked away and said nothing? I can’t really remember. I know there are times when I should have got angry, but put a lid on it instead. I have gone from one extreme to the other. Getting too angry too fast over nothing to not getting angry at all over things that I should do.
Then another thought came to me. Maybe computer games are my safe middle-ground? I know that I was getting wound up playing Batman, but I did not stop. If anything, I did things to make me more annoyed at the game and stoke my anger. Am I saying that on an unconscious level that I deliberately played less well than I can in order to get beaten by a boss fight time and again as it was a safe way to vent my anger? Yes, I am saying that. It was certainly not me sucking at the game and mis-timing my counters so she beat me to death. Poor Batman. Sorry buddy.
Joking aside, why did I play it on the hardest setting straight away? I knew it would annoy me and it would be harder than it needed to be. Why didn’t I stop when it was bugging me? I think the answer lies with my broken keyboard and my slightly bruised/cut fist. I didn’t hurt anyone else but me and that is more important to me than anything else right now. I am not saying this is a great thing psychologically, but having seen my unfair share of domestic abuse in my teenage years, I am really not keen on the idea hurting others, either physically or emotionally.
I think I run away from getting angry with people because I can’t help but associate it with all the negative memories I have of being a teenager and seeing a guy hit my mum. The fear of ever being an abusive boyfriend/husband scares me more than anything I can think of. I am certain that if I ever did, I would kill myself straight after. I wouldn’t want to live with myself and I wouldn’t deserve to be living with anyone else.
So, I can see that it is me not allowing myself to get angry that is making me angry. God I annoy myself. Well, I think I know what I will be talking about in therapy tomorrow.
So, what has this all to do with optimism? This was my final thought on the subject. I am essentially an optimist. I believe things will work out. The trouble with this is when things don’t work out. Or have yet to work out. I do start to wonder if I am good enough etc to make them work out and questioning myself is a quick and easy route to feeling bad about myself. It is very much a Catch – 22. I think positively that things will work. They don’t work out as I expect. I question what I did wrong. I feel bad. I force myself to think positively that things will work out… and on and on and on. Maybe one day I will figure out how to cut myself a break.
That is something for another day.
Take care buddies,