My Optimistic Cup is Laced with Depression – Worst Cocktail Ever.

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My Optimistic Cup is Laced with Depression – Worst Cocktail Ever.

Rage returned to me last night. As I sit here and write this, I am still not sure what exactly I was angry about. I know what I was angry about last night, and I also know they were not the things I am actually angry at. Yes depression, I know you well enough by now to see when you are being sneaky. In the past, I used to let loose at the first thing or person that came along. I hated doing that. Even when I knew that I shouldn’t say the thing I was about to say, I simply could not stop it. Now, I just walk away and say nothing. I am wondering if that is part of the problem.

However, I am getting ahead of myself. I woke up yesterday in a real funk of a mood. It was not good or bad, just meh. I knew something was up, but as I didn’t know what it was, I cleaned the flat and hoped something would shake loose. Nothing came of it, so I just carried on with my day. In the evening, when I was playing Batman Origins, I could the pressure begin to rise. Every little thing was bugging me and the more I told myself to calm down, the angrier I became.

In the end, it was the boss fight with Copperhead that tore it for me. My poor keyboard bore the full brunt of my anger and I amazed it is working at all today considering how many times I hit it. Incidentally, I couldn’t find all the keys when they went flying, so I am typing this on a keyboard that is no longer set out in the standard way. There are odd symbols where old fashioned letters should be.

Then I descended into shouting about inconsequentialities that were not really a problem, but a splinter like sliver of anger had forced its way into my brain and was not bothered about accuracy or who it vented itself of. So, I sent myself to bed before I said anything mean to anyone I care about. It is a shitty feeling to know that at my age, I can’t allow myself to be around people at times. The way I see it, and this is only my opinion, I don’t have the right to ask for forgiveness for bad actions just because I am depressed.

I did five hours of gardening this morning, which was great as it gave me time to clear my head and think through what was bothering me. I am still not sure, but a few things came to me. I wondered about the last time I allowed myself to get angry at something I felt angry at at the time, but walked away and said nothing? I can’t really remember. I know there are times when I should have got angry, but put a lid on it instead. I have gone from one extreme to the other. Getting too angry too fast over nothing to not getting angry at all over things that I should do.

Then another thought came to me. Maybe computer games are my safe middle-ground? I know that I was getting wound up playing Batman, but I did not stop. If anything, I did things to make me more annoyed at the game and stoke my anger. Am I saying that on an unconscious level that I deliberately played less well than I can in order to get beaten by a boss fight time and again as it was a safe way to vent my anger? Yes, I am saying that. It was certainly not me sucking at the game and mis-timing my counters so she beat me to death. Poor Batman. Sorry buddy.

Joking aside, why did I play it on the hardest setting straight away? I knew it would annoy me and it would be harder than it needed to be. Why didn’t I stop when it was bugging me? I think the answer lies with my broken keyboard and my slightly bruised/cut fist. I didn’t hurt anyone else but me and that is more important to me than anything else right now. I am not saying this is a great thing psychologically, but having seen my unfair share of domestic abuse in my teenage years, I am really not keen on the idea hurting others, either physically or emotionally.

I think I run away from getting angry with people because I can’t help but associate it with all the negative memories I have of being a teenager and seeing a guy hit my mum. The fear of ever being an abusive boyfriend/husband scares me more than anything I can think of. I am certain that if I ever did, I would kill myself straight after. I wouldn’t want to live with myself and I wouldn’t deserve to be living with anyone else.

So, I can see that it is me not allowing myself to get angry that is making me angry. God I annoy myself. Well, I think I know what I will be talking about in therapy tomorrow.

So, what has this all to do with optimism? This was my final thought on the subject. I am essentially an optimist. I believe things will work out. The trouble with this is when things don’t work out. Or have yet to work out. I do start to wonder if I am good enough etc to make them work out and questioning myself is a quick and easy route to feeling bad about myself. It is very much a Catch – 22. I think positively that things will work. They don’t work out as I expect. I question what I did wrong. I feel bad. I force myself to think positively that things will work out… and on and on and on. Maybe one day I will figure out how to cut myself a break.

That is something for another day.

Take care buddies,

David.

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About davidmbeecroft

Hello and welcome to my blog. Please feel free to have an explore. My name is David Beecroft. I am 38 years old. I co-founded and ran a small scale touring theatre company called Screwed & Clued in 1998. I went on to tour the Canadian Fringe Theatre Festival circuit over the following five years. I have written six original plays, the last ‘The Poe Show’ won a Best in Fest award at the 2014 Ottawa Fringe Festival. I worked in a social care setting for ten years and now work in a special needs school. I have sent my first novel off to agents and considering self-publishing if that does not work. I co-host a radio show on Surrey Hills Community Radio called Daves of the Week where we feature charities for a six week period. I live with my fiance and two pet Degus. I started this blog when suffering from depression and attending therapy, so a large part of this blog was about my experience and thoughts of that. Since then I am in a much better place and I write about life after depression and how I stay (or try to) ahead of it happening again. I also like to look at the happier sides of life and try to put a positive spin on serious subjects.

2 responses »

  1. Great post David. Depression is indeed extremely sneaky and misplaced anger is the thing that annoys me the most about it too. Try not to blame yourself though (she says, as though this is a simple thing to do).

    Like

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