I headed to therapy today knowing that I was worried about something, but not knowing what. I knew I was worried because after two months or so of not picking my nails, I was going crazy on them. This has always been a sure fire way to know something was bothering me. They are still mostly intact, so I am taking this as a good sign.
This week’s session started off the same way as last week. I asked a question as I was not sure what I was thinking made sense. This is how I am thinking recently. Perhaps it is all part of the change going from antidepressants to creating my new world order. I am simply not certain if what I am thinking is correct, so therapy is great place for me to ask these questions safely.
I asked if I was handling a certain situation well or not? I won’t go into details because a man has to have some secrets after all. My therapist kept saying the same thing. She refers to it as me handling things with my ‘adult side’. I thought about a situation, weighed up the pros and cons and then acted accordingly. I knows she means this as a compliment and yet…
Ok, time to be honest. I have a real hard time when someone says I am acting like an adult. I know this is silly, but a part of me really baulks at the idea. I should have said this in therapy, and now I am thinking that the fact I did not want to talk about, even to my therapist, means that I really should talk about this in therapy next week.
We spoke about how I am putting the pieces of my life’s jigsaw puzzle together. I have got the borders and I am now putting sections together at a time. I realised that it is only when I have put one part of the puzzle together that I see the beginnings of the next part I need to work on. Like when you complete the section that is a field and see that one part of a piece has a dog’s lead in it and I think ‘Oh right, it is a dog. Now I need to look for dog pieces.’ I just didn’t know it was a dog at the start. I think therapy is a lot like this. One thing is uncovered and then another thing, a thing that you never knew about, comes along with it. Then that thing is worked on and it leads to another thing that needs to be discussed.
The last thing we spoke about was how I am seeing my life and what I am doing. I described it as ‘falling and hoping the net will appear.’ I believe in life that things will work out if you work hard at them. Maybe, I am at a stage where my faith in myself and my life outlook is being tested? Do I have enough faith in myself to carry on when things are not working out as I hoped they might? Will things in my life really work out? I think this is a catch-22 situation. If I truly believe that things will work out, I shouldn’t try and force them to happen. That goes against the very premise I am talking about. Yet, can I stay as I am with things not working out and never consider that I might be wrong?
I guess it comes down to the essence of what faith means to me. If I truly have faith in myself, then I can believe that it will all work. I might have to make changes or do things in a different way, but ultimately I believe it will work eventually. I just have to keep trying until they do.
Until next week,