There were two main points that I brought to therapy today. The first, as the title of this post subtly suggests, was the difference between me being unconsciously confident versus consciously unconfident. I realised mid-way through my week (and isn’t it odd how I think of a ‘week’ being the seven days between therapy sessions, rather than the normal way?) that I was just dealing with things. I wasn’t consciously dealing with them, I just was.
Rather than being worried about money, I looked at my outgoings and incomings and figured a way to balance the books (for this month at least). Rather than being scared of a new job opportunity, I bought the things I needed and arranged for some gardening work for me to do. Instead of being scared of writing because I thought it wasn’t good enough, I wrote and decided to work out the kinks afterwards.
The reason this felt so strange was that I was not aware of making any decisions to do any of these things. They happened naturally. I kinda felt like I was kept out of the loop by myself. I imagined my unconscious having a staff meeting and saying ‘Very good job all. Things are running smoothly and lots of things are getting done. Just one small thing. Don’t let David know because he will only panic and muck up the new system.’ Whoever was running that meeting had a very good point. As soon as I started thinking about all this, I started questioning and wanting to change things and could feel my confidence leaching way. Thankfully, I am more aware of my bad habits and shortcuts to giving myself an emotional kicking and I stopped before I started.
So we spoke about this and how when I don’t overthink, things work out well, when I try to hard, I am not as effective as I would be if I let it happen. The new idea seems to be ‘trust myself and don’t try too hard.’ As the saying goes ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ I am content to let things be as they are currently.
I even asked my therapist of it was possible that my unconscious mind was keeping things from me because I was actually happy and moving forward in my life and it didn’t want me to overthink things and change what did not need to be changed. In fairness to her, that is a pretty hard question, so I am not surprised she did not have an answer.
I tried to explain it (as I do with many things) by using a Simpson’s reference. There is an episode where Homer hits the Queen’s Royal carriage and they are going to behead him. Two Beefeaters are practising mounting Homer’s head on a spike with watermelons and one guard says ‘Don’t worry it. Let the blade do the work.’ I think of my brain like this. If I don’t overthink things and let them work on their own, it will be perfect.
The other thing I brought to therapy was that I seem to be happier at points being totally removed from everything else. This idea came from a discussion I was having with a friend about a play I am writing for him. We were discussing whether a human is more human as part of humanity or apart from humanity. I discovered he feels more human as part of a group and I feel more human away from a group. I have had the feeling many times this week of being in a giant glass hamster ball and everything else being muted. It is a feeling I was surprised to discover I really like.
My therapist asked me if I am introvert, and for anyone that knows me, they will understand why I have never even considered myself as an introvert. Yet, I do not consider myself an extrovert either. I might have been at one time, although there is an argument to be made that seeking attention was due to a host of insecurities more than anything else. Perhaps, I am somewhere in between. Neither needing to be seen by others in order to feel of worth, nor wanting to hide away from people because I didn’t want them to see me depressed.
My life seems to be one of finding the middle ground between contrasts at present. I do not want to be an adult that has lost the ability to see the magic and wonder in the world, nor do I want to be a child who throws his toys out of the pram whenever he does not get his own way. I am of course referring to my inner child. I am not some weird adult/baby hybrid invented by a less educated cousin of Dr Frankenstein. I am happy to work hard to get what I want, but I do not want to work myself into an early grave to do it. I am happy to share time with others and I am also happy to say ‘Hey, rest of the world, I am doing my own thing for a bit.’
I guess that finding the middle ground is an obvious part of therapy. After coming from the depressive end of the spectrum, I figure it will take some time to move over to the happier spectrum. While I am in the middle ground, I can figure what it is that I do and do not want to take with me when I do eventually get there.
Take care buddies,