After eleven months I am at the stage where I am going to be stopping my therapy soon. I mean this in the most positive way possible. If the aim of therapy is to get a person from a bad place to a good place then my journey is almost over. It is now only a matter of crossing some Freudian t’s and dotting some Lacanian i’s and I am done.
Today’s session started with me being quiet, calm and relaxed. I explained my experience with not eating due to a food bug leading to a quasi spiritual feeling of peace and stillness in my mind. You can read about it on my post from yesterday ‘Unwilling Fasting and Unforeseen Benefits’. If you want to that is. It is not a direct order.
Since Saturday night, I have been empty headed in a good way. The usual frantic pace of my brain has slowed to a glacial drift and the things that bothered me a few days ago seem a long distant memory. I have had to work hard to resist the urge to over think this new way of being. Something in my very core told me to just stop and let it be for a few days.
So, I have cut down on sensory stimulation, I have taken time to be quiet and still and I have resisted the urge to constantly look at my phone. As I made my life quieter, I noticed old beliefs and thoughts coming to the surface; like a mental version of excavating an archaeological dig site. Little bubbles of thought came to the surface of my consciousness and I was able to notice them properly.
One of my beliefs is that of Taoism. One idea from that is to listen to your inner voice and act upon what it is telling you. I imagine that I, much like everyone else, suffers from the modern day predicament of so much information being thrown at them, that it is hard to know what is true and harder to hear the voice in my head above all the din and ruckus.
So, I took time to listen. Yesterday, I went to Farnham Castle with the intent of being in a place with few distractions, so I could sit and let all the noise in my head die down. It went well. Luckily, it was pouring with rain, so I had the place to myself. I sat alone and watched the rain and felt my mind quieten down. It was the most relaxed I can recall feeling in ages.
I came to a few conclusions. One was that I was finally thinking about what it was that I wanted to write. I wasn’t thinking about what others want me to write for them, or what the latest trend is that I should write about. I simply considered what it was that I was interested in doing. I think this is important. It is easy to chase the latest fads, but I believe that long term happiness and success in what I am doing lies in knowing exactly what it is that I want to say.
I also realised that I had stopped worrying about how others perceived me. That is up to them from now on. I am at home in my own skin and mind, and on balance, I think I am a pretty good person. I am not worried about how I come across anymore. Thankfully, I am witty, charming and above all, modest, so what is not to like?
I told all this to my therapist and she once again asked if I felt I needed to continue with therapy? I replied that I think it is time to start winding it down. I simply do not need it as a crutch anymore. I did thank my therapist for all the help she has given me and stated that it is because she has done such a good job of helping me that I feel I can cope without it. Naturally she reflected back that it was I who had done the work. Therapists, you gotta love em’.
So, what is next for me in my post therapy existence? I don’t know and to be honest, I am not even thinking about it. I am concentrating on ‘what now’ in my life. What I am doing right now is so much more important than thinking about what might be in the future. Well, that is what I think anyway.
The only downside is that I am going to have to say goodbye to my beloved ‘Womb Envy Wednesday’ posts. My therapist suggested calling it ‘Empty Womb Wednesday’ and I was only slightly annoyed I hadn’t thought of it first. Perhaps I will write that. Perhaps I will write something completely different. Who knows?
I am sincerely looking forward to finding out.
Take care buddies,
P.S I am sadly aware that there are many people still suffering with depression. As I am in a good place, it feels only right that I offer a metaphorical shoulder to cry on if anyone ever needs. So, if you simply want a chat or need to unload, considering me your friendly neighbourhood shoulder.