Did I ever tell you about the time I was trapped in an alleyway by a Rooster sent by Satan himself? I haven’t? Well, let me put that right straight away.
I was ambling down the road back to where my Dad lived. At the time he lived in Hampton Court. For my American friends, I do mean actually in Hampton Court. We have a whole wing of that place. I like hiding in the suits of armour to scare people. It is a little known fact that the Beecroft’s are 145th in line to the throne of England. It is little known because of the staggering lack of truth to it.
Interlude – Note to self – Do not press publish by mistake halfway through writing a post.
As it was a sunny day and I was in a congenial mood, I decided to take the long route back to my dad’s flat/wing of the palace (depending on whose truth you choose to believe) and I ended up going down an alleyway. Now, let me make this very clear. I know I am fond of playing with the truth, but the following is true. Absolutely true. It is what will make the ending so bone chilling. As I walked down the alleyway, it was deserted. Deserted except for me. Unless I am a ghost? Nope, I have just checked my corporeal form and I am good.
I reached halfway down the alleyway, or to jangle those nerves more, as far from each exit as I could be. Oooooh! Jangle nerves. Jangle I say! The alley was empty. I turned to look at a flower (yes, a flower) and as I turned back, there was before me the biggest, baddest looking Rooster I have ever seen. Now, as you can imagine, I was somewhat perturbed. I knew the Rooster had not been there a second before. This was my first reason for being perturbed. The second was the way the thing was looking at me. It’s beady little eyes bore straight into my soul and turned my blood to ice. Not literally, as frozen blood would be terrible for my circulation, and probably more importantly, fatal to my health.
I, being the stoic and rather heroic type, remained calm in the face of this Demon Bird and sought a rational explanation for where it had come from. I looked around me at the fences on either side of the alleyway. They were all about six feet high and had no holes anywhere it could have escaped from. Unless it was a prodigious leaper, it could not have jumped over the fence either. All the while, the Rooster had not taken it’s eyes off me. After having explored all possible avenues I decided that the bird was indeed sent by Satan to come get me. I think we can all agree that it is the most logical and only explanation of these events.
I quickly came to the realisation that I had to get out of there as soon as I could. I moved to my left and the bird moved to block me. I moved to my right and it moved to block me again. I got scared. It was countering everything I could throw at it. It was learning my moves too fast for a Rooster. What was worse was that it was giving off a definite air that I was in it’s way. If it could have spoken I am certain it would have said ‘And who are you to be in my way? I am here in this alleyway doing my best to scrounge up souls for my Lord and Master and you are in my way.’
At this point, I was too scared to move. I mean it. The bird was freaking me the hell out. I still couldn’t get past it and I didn’t fancy getting pecked to death, so I decided to do what any true hero does and retreat at once. I backed away from it, going in the opposite direction to the one that I wanted to go in. It looked me in the eyes as I courageously walked backwards and when I could take it no more I turned and ran. As I sprinted away, I could not resist looking back, Orpheus like at the Rooster…
…only to find that it had vanished back through whatever Hellish portal it had emerged from.
I burst from the alleyway into a crowded street. No-one asked me why my face was so ashen and my whole body shaking. Yet, I could see in a few of their eyes that they understood. Nobody talks about that Rooster in Hampton Court. Some things are better left unspoken. It has been over ten years since the event, and I can only bear talking about it now.
So, if you are ever in Hampton Court, beware! Stay on the main roads, and whatever you do, do not go down the alleys. Or if you do, be sure to take some corn with you.
P.S How awesome is the world that when I type in ‘Satanic Rooster’ into Google Images, I get a picture of a satanic rooster.