I have been feeling antsy all week and I have only just put my finger on what is bothering me. I am finishing therapy tomorrow and I am feeling like I did on my first day of school when I was five. You know, that moment when your mum or dad’s hand lets go of yours and you have to walk in all by yourself? I admit that it is strange to compare the five year old me and the thirty-seven year old me that I am now. However, it is the best comparison to how I feel at the moment.
Aw jeez louise, my therapist girlfriend is going to have a Freudian field day with this. I am comparing my therapist to my mother and talking about abandonment issues. Although, it is not really abandonment in either case. It is merely what it feels like. If anything, I am abandoning my therapist and not the other way around. I guess it comes down to the same concept; having to do something by myself and not having someone’s hand there to hold mine.
The image of a blank slate is coming to me now. At five, I was a blank slate ready to be taught, which I presume is the reason for going to school in the first place (but that could be a whole other can of worms). Now, I am thirty-seven and I feel like I am a blank slate again. The negative/depressing thoughts I used to have are no longer there and I am figuring out what is going to go in their place. I think it is that uncertainty, that feeling of the hand letting go and knowing it is all on me now that is…
What word do I choose? Words are important to me. The choice of one word over another is essential to my recovery and how I plan to go forward in the future. Did you notice I used ‘antsy’ rather than ‘anxious’ at the start? This is not me trying to talk myself into one way of thinking. It is me using the right word to accurately reflect how I feel. I don’t feel anxious. I feel…uncertain. I don’t think it will all go bad when I stop therapy, but I am a liar if I say that I have no fears one way or the other. I am human.
So the word I am choosing is uncertainty. For everything that could be good and everything that could be bad, it is uncertain. Yet, I have made the decision to stop therapy and deep down I have a reason for that. For whatever uncertainties I feel, I believe that I am in a place where I can deal with them without needing a therapist. Now is the time for me to let go of a hand and go and check this big wide world out for myself.
As long as I do not wet myself and blame the puddle on the floor on a leaking radiator this time, I am sure it will all be fine.
Take care buddies,