David’s Guide to House Husbandry.

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David’s Guide to House Husbandry.

(Probably best if this is not taken too seriously).

As I lay in bed this morning, it occurred to me that I have done the same thing for the past three mornings. I have woken up before Gauri and laid there contentedly for a while. Waking up before Gauri is not an unusual thing. There are a few reasons for this. One is that my bowels run like clockwork. Seriously, you could set your watch by them. Although why you would want to, seeing as we live in age of technical wonder, is completely beyond me. The second reason is that Gauri sets her alarm an hour before she has to get up and it goes off every ten minutes. This is no problem for her as she falls back asleep instantly. I have actually seen her fall asleep as she turns off the alarm. In her defence, she works crazy hard. It is not a problem for me either as I like laying there next to her.So, as I lay there I realised a few things. One, the lyrics to ‘Don’t want to miss a thing’ are spot on in terms of me and what I think first thing in the morning. I do actually lay there and listen to her breathe. It is also peaceful and quiet in the morning and it gives me a chance to think before the ear worm songs kick in and I am left with the same lyrics ticking over in my brain.

The second thing I was thinking about what I was going to do with my day. As the post title suggests, I am a house husband now, so my planning involved things like, laundry, cleaning and cooking. Planning the cooking was the easiest as we have a fridge full of leftovers, so I am already ahead of the game. Sweet! I didn’t know I was a househusband until a while ago when I got called a ‘new age husband.’ I had to look it up and I can’t say I am fond of the name. I always imagine ‘new age’ as something to do with druids, stonehenge, cauldrons and potions; possibly made out of eye of newt. A house husband sounds better, but I am not married yet, so I am not sure if I am allowed to use it. As the word police have not yet broken down my door and told me not to, I will carry on using it for a bit.

So, I best get back to the point of this. I don’t know why I say that. I rarely have a point, and if I do, it is one that I hope people only take vague notice of. It is too much responsibility otherwise. Nonetheless, on the off chance you are new to house husbanding, I offer these tidbits of advice to use at your own peril.

Toilet Cleaning. 

Forget anything you have seen from any advert for any toilet cleaning product. It is all lies I tell ya. Use shop’s own brand toilet cleaner, otherwise known as coke. Seriously, 0.22p for two litres of the stuff. It will clean your toilet in a way you would not have conceived of. It will also cure you of any desire to drink coke ever again. Once you have seen how it cleans a toilet, it is impossible not to wonder what it is doing to your poor tummy.

Laundry. 

This is the part where my disclaimers kick in. I am at best, a poor laundry type person. Yes, I don’t know what a person who does laundry is called. At least I am owning up to it. I should know as I am one. Ah, the existential angst of not knowing what to call myself when I do laundry. Lord of the laundry? Speaking of laundry, I have to go and put it on ‘drain and spin’. Be right back.

Back.

Dammit. I just realised that if I were doing a doctorate like Gauri, I could call myself a ‘spin doctor’. Sadly, I am not doing one. If a great name occurs to you, please let me know. So, all I can really tell you about laundry is this. Do not mix whites with colours. Somethings can be washed, but not tumble dried. What marks the difference is a mystery to me. There are symbols on the clothes that are meant to tell me, but at my best guess, they are some form or ancient hieroglyphics. So, my advice is…wait. Yup. That’s it. I wait until Gauri comes back to check what I can safely wash and dry. She has an innate knowledge of how every single item of clothes she has should be laundered. This system is better than hoping for the best and running the risk of ruining a favoured item of clothing. One final idea. If you are ever making your own bread, wait until the dryer has finished. It is a great place to let bread rise.

Cooking.

I am not going to give out recipes. Unless someone really wants me to. In which case, mention what you are looking for in the comments and I will rustle up something. My main advice here is, get yourself a slow cooker. They are just the best. Cut up everything you need in the morning, bung it in the slow cooker and walk away. This leaves you with ample time to get other jobs done, and if you are lucky, the time to write and post on your blog. Six hours later, return and see what magic has taken place. Yes, my cookery show was cancelled due to it being very short and not that informative. It also means less things to wash up. Which is a blessing.

Washing Up. 

Sorry. No advice here. This job plain sucks. Ooh, wait, I do have one. Leave things to soak. This works for virtually everything, except scrambled egg. I think they could have used it cement the bricks to build the Great Wall of China the stuff is so ridiculously sticky.

Cleaning.

The eternal struggle. I try and look on the bright side of things. So, rather than think of it as an unwinnable war, I look at it as a chance for clearing my mind. It is a peaceful experience for me and I like to use it to ponder ideas for whatever I am writing. So, just Zen out and enjoy it. Advice? Oh yes. Er…old socks make for excellent dusters and, you can pretend they are little glove puppets when you get bored.

Hoovering. 

Now, this is not a job I am normally enthusiastic about, but since I have got little pet Degus, it has become more fun. They have a weird fear of the hoover and they squeak as aggressively as they can at it. The reason this is funny is that their squeaks are so damned cute that I can’t take it seriously. It would be like me threatening Mike Tyson. Does anyone know what the smell after hoovering is?

So, that is my advice for the moment. If you have any burning questions, then I will do my best to answer them.

Take care buddies,

David.

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About davidmbeecroft

Hello and welcome to my blog. Please feel free to have an explore. My name is David Beecroft. I am 38 years old. I co-founded and ran a small scale touring theatre company called Screwed & Clued in 1998. I went on to tour the Canadian Fringe Theatre Festival circuit over the following five years. I have written six original plays, the last ‘The Poe Show’ won a Best in Fest award at the 2014 Ottawa Fringe Festival. I worked in a social care setting for ten years and now work in a special needs school. I have sent my first novel off to agents and considering self-publishing if that does not work. I co-host a radio show on Surrey Hills Community Radio called Daves of the Week where we feature charities for a six week period. I live with my fiance and two pet Degus. I started this blog when suffering from depression and attending therapy, so a large part of this blog was about my experience and thoughts of that. Since then I am in a much better place and I write about life after depression and how I stay (or try to) ahead of it happening again. I also like to look at the happier sides of life and try to put a positive spin on serious subjects.

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