What is that negative voice?

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What is that negative voice?

Now I am in my post therapy life and I am sane and happy (or as sane and happy as anyone can be in this world of ours) I find I am noticing more things than I used to. This is most likely because I am not foggy from tablets or too anxious to be clear headed. One thing I have noticed is something I am not terribly fond of.

Does anyone else have a voice in their head that can only be called a ‘douchey’ voice? The one that makes a nasty comment and the rest of you is left thinking ‘wow, where did that come from? That was such a douchey thing to think.’ It feels like talking to a petulant spoilt child ‘No! We do not think like that. It is not nice.’ Yet, the douchey voice still makes it’s quips and comments so barbed they could be used on prison walls to stop inmates escaping.

I am realising that I am writing this in a way that would make more sense to people who have read my other posts about going to therapy etc and know something about me. If you are a first time reader (thank you by the way, but seriously, what took you so long? 🙂 ) I promise I am not crazy. When I talk of voices, I do not mean I hear other voices. I know it is me, but different aspects of me. The trouble is, that when I think of it like that, I can come to no other conclusion than it is me making those douchey comments. I don’t like that because I try really hard to be a good person, and I do not appreciate this back seat douchery. Not cool buddy, not cool.

So, what to do, what to do?

Seriously, that is a question. What do I do? Any ideas are appreciated.

I could try and ignore them I guess, but I can already hear the ghost voice of my therapist (she is not dead, I am alluding to the idea of her being a wise old martial arts master and I am having a flashback to her teachings in a critical moment of the last match of the tournament) saying that ignoring something does not resolve it. You are correct wise master. It would not be resolved. (Takes up Crane pose).

I could try and force my brain to stop thinking those thoughts, but I do not have a great track record of controlling my brain. My thoughts are like eels covered in lubricant (they are slightly kinky eels) and my hands are the hands of a teenager (teenager/37 year old man – same diff) trying to unhook a bra as they try to catch them.

On a side note – Dear women. Showing that you can unhook your bra with one hand behind your back and saying ‘Look, it is easy.’ is not as encouraging as you might think.

I could try, like what? Going to a mountain and purging all negatives thoughts from my ol’ noodle? I think I would suck at that. I don’t like heights for a start.

Another side note – Seriously, does anyone else have this problem? I am suddenly gripped with concern that it is just me. Help me out here.

Ready for an awesome conclusion?

Well, so am I. At least we can both be let down by the ending together.

Unless…

Yes. I am looking (in a metaphorical way) at you wordpress type people, with all you fingers and keyboards and thoughts.  What do you think?

Sorry for the ‘losing virginity’ sense of disappointment from the ending. Honestly, this has never happened to me before.

Take care buddies,

David.

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About davidmbeecroft

Hello and welcome to my blog. Please feel free to have an explore. My name is David Beecroft. I am 38 years old. I co-founded and ran a small scale touring theatre company called Screwed & Clued in 1998. I went on to tour the Canadian Fringe Theatre Festival circuit over the following five years. I have written six original plays, the last ‘The Poe Show’ won a Best in Fest award at the 2014 Ottawa Fringe Festival. I worked in a social care setting for ten years and now work in a special needs school. I have sent my first novel off to agents and considering self-publishing if that does not work. I co-host a radio show on Surrey Hills Community Radio called Daves of the Week where we feature charities for a six week period. I live with my fiance and two pet Degus. I started this blog when suffering from depression and attending therapy, so a large part of this blog was about my experience and thoughts of that. Since then I am in a much better place and I write about life after depression and how I stay (or try to) ahead of it happening again. I also like to look at the happier sides of life and try to put a positive spin on serious subjects.

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