What next?

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What next?

What next? This is the question I am asking myself at the moment. As I feel this is going to be a post that that is therapeutic for me rather than something I think people will be desperate to read (but hoping a few people do anyway) I figure I might as well be honest.

I thought I would have an agent for my book by now. Call it what you will; overly optimistic, using a positive mental attitude, misguided, arrogant or plain stupid, it all boils down to this feeling of ‘Dammit. Why don’t I have an agent yet?’ Now, I know it takes time and even the best writers get rejected etc etc etc but it feels like when you are single and people say ‘Don’t worry. You will find someone. The right person for you is out there.’ Now this is great advice, but it doesn’t stop the loneliness of being single and the thoughts of ‘Screw that. I want someone now!’

Yet I also know it is out of my hands now. I have made the book as good as I can and the rest lies in the whims of capricious fate/agents. It is much like chucking your baby out into the world alone and saying ‘Good luck buddy.’ You hope it will be fine, but once you have let go, it is out of your hands.

Now I face an almost daily challenge between trying to remain positive and influence the universe with my willpower (much like a modern day Sauron but of a more benevolent nature) and thinking ‘Well, this isn’t working, so I need to try something else or something different.

What is that pull to do something else when your current project doesn’t seem to working? Actually, scratch that, what is that push to do something different? A pull feels like an attraction. A push feels like fear. I feel more pushed than pulled at present.

I think fear is a good word. Terrified is better. What if I can’t make one of my dreams in life come true through my own inability to do so? Wow, I have hit a new level of power in being able to bum myself out. Self-doubt is a real bugger. Self-doubt influenced by others is worse.

So, what to do next? My brain, helpful as ever is currently playing the lyrics to ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go’ in my head.

(The cursor is blinking at me waiting for a conclusion).

Well tough luck Mr Cursor. If don’t get a conclusion then you certainly don’t.

(Blink, blink, blink.)

It is hard to trust the universe when it has been unkind to you. It is hard to trust karma when you try to do good things and it doesn’t seem to be reciprocated. It is hard to have faith in the future when you know the future is a place of surprising twists (both good and bad) that you can never see coming.

All that we have left is ourselves. Our belief, our courage, our hope and our strength to carry on when it all seems impossible. Aside from giving up, what else is there?

And that Mr Cursor is all the conclusion you are going to get.

Take care buddies,

David.

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About davidmbeecroft

Hello and welcome to my blog. Please feel free to have an explore. My name is David Beecroft. I am 38 years old. I co-founded and ran a small scale touring theatre company called Screwed & Clued in 1998. I went on to tour the Canadian Fringe Theatre Festival circuit over the following five years. I have written six original plays, the last ‘The Poe Show’ won a Best in Fest award at the 2014 Ottawa Fringe Festival. I worked in a social care setting for ten years and now work in a special needs school. I have sent my first novel off to agents and considering self-publishing if that does not work. I co-host a radio show on Surrey Hills Community Radio called Daves of the Week where we feature charities for a six week period. I live with my fiance and two pet Degus. I started this blog when suffering from depression and attending therapy, so a large part of this blog was about my experience and thoughts of that. Since then I am in a much better place and I write about life after depression and how I stay (or try to) ahead of it happening again. I also like to look at the happier sides of life and try to put a positive spin on serious subjects.

9 responses »

  1. My dear occassional gentleman, you need a hug. I was distressed to read of you being downhearted. If we don’t believe in ourselves, how can we expect others to believe in us? Now man-up, you know you can write, we know you can write, so go on self-publish. Now I am no expert but what can you lose and it seems to be a lot easier to do, plus you keep control.
    Now I want you to be more positive, remember once you have made a decision, that will be the right one.
    Please don’t think my little pep-talk is too harsh, it is ok to have a little grizzle now and then but life is precious and we must try and enjoy every minute.
    Yours Huggingly
    Celia x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Okay. Well don’t get any further down. I have seen too many folks trying to hold to a model which is out of date. While the industry is slow in many respects, in others it is changing as I type.

    Self publishing? Why not? Honestly I would have self pubbed my forthcoming had we not been in throes of moving house. Self pubbing no longer has the stigma of…They couldn’t get a contract. I would however hire an editor or get a beta reader or rigorously check the whole manuscript over. But if you self pub –and you set up a wee company name on your book jacket to give it that professional look– you have control of the price, the cover– very important, I still fizz about the fact I never saw one of my covers till the book was live, or by God I would have had something to say– when you release the book. If you have the Social media in place then you are well positioned to market yourself.

    YOur other option is to start skecking for the publishers who accept queries and manuscripts unsolicited, for your type of book. But be very careful to look at all aspects. When I moved publishers there I only had a list of about 6 cos of the bad things I’ve heard re so many. That last blog I have up is another example of a publisher doing nothing to help their author. Yes we all know even the big 6 expect you to market yourself but come on. Then there is the shocking way many authors get treated by their publishing houses. It would make your hair stand on end honestly. Please feel free to contact me if you’ve any questions

    Liked by 1 person

      • No bother David. Just go do some thinking. Bottom line. You get out there and if you do well, you can try again for an agent. People always love you when they see they can make dosh on your back! Also you can still wait for an agent but explore these avenues while you do.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. David, this is a brutal and capricious biz ok. I totally get where you are coming from AND your impatience with an industry that sometimes moves at the rate of molasses. But there are also opportunities to be bagged without an agent. Having an agent is nice but no guarantee of anything in the biz right now, where even agents are struggling to survive , least of all that they will be able to place your story. We all believe they can but that is not always what happens. A lot of my writer friends have an agent and the best that agent can do is get them to the top of the slush pile of a publisher who looks at unsolicited stuff anyway. For this these friends lose half their earnings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Shehanne. I know its a hard buisness. I am having a few down days. Blogging is kind of ny therapy now. I am trying to find out more about self-publishing. Do you have any thoughts on it. Is it good or bad?

      Liked by 1 person

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