We all know the big conspiracy theories; J.F.K, the moon landing and Area 51. Yet, can they be said to be successful conspiracies? If the main point is to remain secret and hidden and generally pull the wool over people’s eyes, then they can be said to be failed conspiracies as people know about them. Even if they did or did not happen. They are known. The more successful conspiracies are the ones that have remained uncovered…until now!
Conspiracy Number 1 – Lip balm actually makes your lips drier.
Think about it. If you are selling something, what is the one thing you want your customers to do? The answer is to keep buying your product. Have you ever thought ‘My lips are dry. I shall apply some lip balm. Hmm, my lips are still dry. I shall apply more lip balm.’ Ad infinitum. It is against the interests of the all powerful lip balm corporations to cure the problem of chapped lips as it means no more product is bought. What better way to people buying lip balm than for it to do the exact opposite of what it is meant to do. Making lips drier means more lip balm is bought. It is really rather clear.
Conspiracy Number 2 – Mobile battery makers are in secret cahoots with energy companies.
I read a great quote today. ‘My mobile phone spends so much time on charge it might as well be a landline.’ I could not agree more. All my phone seems to do is charge and then run out of energy, much like an overweight knight. Now, I understand that this might be one of those things, but perhaps, just perhaps, there is something more sinister at work here. My belief is that mobile phone battery makers and energy companies have made a deal. Batteries constantly need charging which means more electricity is needed and this means more profit. I strongly suspect that the battery makers get a greatly reduced electricity bill. Heinous!
Conspiracy Number 3 – SatNavs are in league with petrol companies.
‘At the next left, please continue for four miles.’ Hmm, this seems a suspiciously longer route. Why does th SatNav want me to go this way? The answer is simple. The petrol companies have paid off the SatNav people to take you on a longer journey so you have to use more petrol and kerching. I expect the SatNav exces get all the lovely petrol they can drink. Is there no end to people’s greed?
Conspiracy NUmber 4 – Biscuits are designed to fall into your tea when dunking them.
This is definitely the most evil conspiracy there is and the one that affects me the hardest and the most. If we can put a man on the moon (or so they say) you cannot tell me that we as a race cannot tell how long a biscuit should be submersed in tea before it falls apart and ruining an otherwise fine day. They are made to fall apart before you can get it into your mouth. A biscuit that has half fallen into tea and remained relatively dry is a unsatisfying biscuit. Another biscuit is clearly needed to be dunked to achieve the original desired result. This invariably ends up with more biscuit in the tea and as a double whammy, a now undrinkable cup of tea with biscuit sludge at the bottom. This is why this is fo fiendish. It makes you make another cup of tea. Both tea makers and biscuit makers benefit. You have to buy more of their respective products and you still didn’t get the lovely tea soaked biscuit into your mouth.
I think we can all agree we live in a scary world. I would love to hear from you on other lesser known conspiracies or your thoughts on those that I have uncovered so far.
Take care buddies,