There is a literal and metaphorical cloud hanging over me today. It is raining outside and each drop is being taken by me as another increment in feeling down. I cannot escape this sense of not knowing what to do; both short and long term. I do not know what to do for the next hour of my life, or what to do for the foreseeable future. I certainly have my dreams and aspirations, but they do seem like a long distant and sometimes unattainable affair. I can feel a tiny positive voice in my head expressing the belief that this is a passing phase and the feeling will go away soon; I know that it most likely will, but for now it is being drowned out like a timid person in a boisterous party.
Sometimes, and this is clearly one of those times, the negative voices in my head gain the ascendency and ask all the questions that can wound me to the core. Are you ever going to make money as a writer? Are you good enough? Was the book you wrote worth people’s time reading? Do you want your future children to see you as a failure? With a wry smile, I have to admire my negative side’s skill in trying to take me apart. It strikes with surgical precision with cuts so sharp it takes a while to know I am bleeding.
Yet, even as I write this, I am starting to feel better. Words have a wonderful healing aspect for me, getting them out of my head and onto something, whether it be paper, this blog or speaking them aloud even though there might not be anyone else in the room to hear them. Writing, even if no-one else reads my words is my own personal therapy. Considering this now, I am thinking that this might be enough. Or it is enough to get me through this current period of malcontent and back to a place where I can be positive enough to chase my dreams with passion, even if they do not work out the way I would like them to.
I have been wondering why I write this blog? I know it does not reach many people, but maybe that is not the point. Perhaps, it is to help myself and if in the process I can help anyone else at all, then I am going to take that as good enough. I still feel an emotional vacuum inside of me, yet that blank canvas is something that can now be painted in a way I choose. I have said before that it is ok to feel down. The trick is not to let it last too long. So, onwards and upwards. Time for inspirational music, a bath and a good book, food to heal the soul and time with my nearest and dearest. After all a sad smile is still a smile.
Take care buddies,
Image retrieved from here