I was sat in my flat last night looking at a Money Tree I have on a table. One side of it has been facing the window for a while and has grown outwards. The opposite side has been facing away from the window and has not grown that much at all. It occurred to me that I am somewhat like my Money Tree.
There are areas of my life that I have been focussing on more, such as work, domestic duties, family etc. There are other areas that I have been neglecting like writing, being romantic or having any time to simply sit and think. If some areas are being watered and put in the sun they will thrive. If others are being shunned they can shrivel and die.
What I need to do is do what I did for my money tree; I need to turn the side that is not growing around so it can face the window. There has not been much growth so far, but I can see signs of new leaves budding. Sadly, I am not a tree so it is not as simple as turning myself to face the window.
The reality is that I am struggling at the moment. It is two weeks until the end of term and I am tired all the time and frankly have no headspace left at the end of the day to do much of anything. Even writing this feels horrible and difficult. However, I do think that this is one of the first steps of letting untended aspects of my life flourish once more. Doing anything that is close to writing is better than not writing at all.
Acknowledging that I am indeed tired and a bit stressed and accepting that it does make it harder to be creative is better than giving myself a tough time for not being perfect and being able to work a full-time job, be a homemaker and still come home and write quality material. Also seeing that it makes it harder, but not impossible is some comfort.
Another thing for me to consider is that it is winter and there is not a lot of sunshine to help me grow at the moment, but growth can be a very small thing sometimes, and while it may not be fast, it is at least happening. Some growth is better than none.
I have been resisting the urge to delete this post all the time I have been writing it. I know full well it is not even close to my best work. The reason that I have not hit the delete button is that I am forcing myself to do something. I have the safety of knowing that no-one has to read this.
From my scattered thoughts I am doing my best to set down something coherent, but even then, I am not that worried. It may not be coherent. Maybe coherence will come with more practise and perseverance.
I will stop here as I can’t even tell if this makes sense. The hope is that I will come back another time and use it as a benchmark to improve my next post.