So, I came across this little beauty in the paper yesterday. It is a list of fifty things that show you have made it in life. In the interests of statistical accuracy (if such a thing can even exist) I need to point out that the survey was compiled from 2000 people, so I am not taking it as an infallible list. Also, I am not here to judge. I just find things interesting and want to talk about them. What came up on the list intrigues me. So, in no particular order…
Number 42: A golf handicap of under 15.
Now, I would understand this if it were ‘Be a member of a golf club’ as they are expensive to join. But a golf handicap under 15? Surely that just means that you have made it at golf, rather than made it at life? St.Peter doesn’t check your golf handicap before he lets you into the Pearly Gates does he?
Number 49: Be on first name terms with your pub landlord.
God I love England. You know you have made it in life when you know the name of the person who sells you alcohol in a pub.
Number 17: Golf club membership.
See? This one at least makes sense. (Looks at number 42 and shakes my head in disappointment).
Number 18: Enjoy sailing weekends.
It is not enough to be able to afford sailing weekends to have made it. You must enjoy them as well.
Number 21: An orangery.
Ok. Hold your hand up if have no idea what an ‘orangery’ is? My hand is very much up. I know exactly what I think it should be. Surely it is like an apple orchard but for oranges? I have discovered in my life that what I think something should be and what it is in reality can be two very different things. So, please bare with me while I nip to Google to check what it is.
Be right back.
…
Back and very much wrong. You win again reality. An orangery is similar to a greenhouse or conservatory apparently. Who knew? Well, not me obviously.
Now I think about it, isn’t an orchard for orange trees more of a sign that you have made it than a conservatory?
Number 7: Pony riding lessons for the kids.
Riding a pony on Blackpool beach counts as a lesson right?
Number 32: Log burner.
This is just a fire.
Number 9: Have a drive way longer than 200 yards.
200 yards = 0.1136363 of a mile. How oddly specific is that? 199 yards long? No cheese buster.
Number 46: Own many gilets.
My hand is raised. I have no idea. Owning many razors? Bah! I will be back in a sec. Google here I come.
Oh come on. How am I meant to guess this? ‘A gilet is a sleeveless jacket resembling a waistcoat or blouse.’
And finally…
Number 19: A small orchard in the garden.
I like this one. I like it mainly because it is the only one in the entire list that I can lay claim to with any honesty.
I have discounted the following because:
Number 9: A driveway 200 yards long. I can’t drive, so I don’t think it is fair to claim I use the driveway.
Number 12: Home gym. A set of dumbbells I never use are not what they had in mind.
Number 16: A Hot Tub. My bath doesn’t count.
Number 24: A wet room. My bathroom doesn’t count.
Number 38: A wine cooler. My fridge doesn’t count.
I did have an apple tree, a plum tree, and a pear tree in our garden when I was growing up. It is not exactly spot on, but I watered those trees, so, in a sense, a very loose sense I grant you, I am part of their growth, so me and the trees are still good.
I know I said I am not here to judge, and I hope I am not. I do feel slightly sad that love and happiness don’t get a mention. I think there are fundamental. But hey, whatever floats people’s boats.
Take care buddies,
David.
David M. Beecroft 